Stay Sharp; Keep Calm

Day 1 - Your Stats

I am 5’3”  267.2 lbs  BMI is currently 47.3

Day 2 - How tall are you? Do you like your height?

I am 5’3”  I used to hate my height when I was younger, but now I like being the shortest of all of my friends. I like being the little one. :)

Day 3 - A Picture of Your Thinspiration. What do you like about this person?

Demi is an inspiration and she’s conquered so much. I admire her strength and she’s GORGEOUS. She’s got curves and she’s not letting her eating disorder define her anymore. She went to rehab to get back on her feet and has been advocating for self-love ever since. I admire her as a person and an inspiration for weight loss and health. I don’t aspire to look like her, as much as I look to her for inspiration to stay strong when I am discouraged. ♥

Day 4 - Your Greatest Fear About Weight-Loss?

This is going to sound ridiculous, but my three greatest fears are:
 - My three tattoos will distort.
 - I won’t tone enough and will have lots of skin.
 - My stretchmarks will never lighten.
…So basically all aesthetic things. lol  

Day 5 - Why do you really want to lose this weight? Are you doing it for you?

I want to be healthy! I’m tired of feeling like I’m going to die when I walk upstairs or along the beach in the summer. I want to be able to run and jump and swim, not sink like a rock in the ocean! I want to be happy by being healthy. So am I doing it for me? YES.

Day 6 - Do you binge? If so, explain why you do.

Of course. I’m only human. Usually the bingeing comes from boredom. I’m trying so hard to stop that though. Food and our decision making when it comes to it, is a problem for us all. That’s why we’re here right? 

Day 7 - Does your parent(s)/spouse know you’re trying to lose weight? Do they care?

Yes. My mother and her friend are doing it too. We weigh-in in front of one another on Fridays. I personally don’t like the idea, but according to my mother, it keeps us “in check.” I am the highest weight of the three of us, and it makes me so sad, every single day. It’s embarrassing and I hate that feeling.

Day 8 - Your Work-Out Routine.
My Workout Page

Day 9 - Did people ever make comments about your weight in a negative way?
Absolutely. They still do. It is what it is. After a while you have to become numb to it or it will destroy you…And I don’t want to go back to that place.

Day 10 - What was the hardest thing you gave up during this “weight loss”?
The mentality of being able to eat anything and everything I want.

Day 11 - Your Favorite Thinspo Blog and Why?
I don’t have one. I follow so many great blogs. I love you all! 

Day 12 - What do you normally eat?
I eat so much crap it’s pathetic. I need to kick this habit….and soon, before it kills me. 

Day 13 - Are you losing weight the healthy way or the unhealthy way?
I’m trying to do it the healthy way. 

Day 14 - What is your UGW? When do you expect to reach it?
125-ish. Despite what my mother says (she doesn’t know what she’s talking about), it’s a healthy weight for my height and that’s the military cut-off for my height/age. I hope to reach it sooner rather than later.

Day 15 - Are you vegan or vegetarian? If so, has this helped you lose weight? If not, would you ever consider turning vegan or vegetarian?
I am currently a vegetarian. I’ve attempted to stick with it numerous times before but hopefully this time it will stick. And yes, the last time I was vegetarian, I lost 6.6lbs in one week.

Day 16 - When did you first decide to lose weight?
This has been an ongoing battle since I was old enough to know what being fat was - aka preschool. In high school I became “serious” about it and I only ate one meal a day…My friend would throw french fries at me an try to make me eat and I would refuse.

Day 17 - Do you have an ED?
Frankly, I don’t know. I binge to the point of feeling as though I’m going to vomit and then I go and lie down. And other days I try to eat as little as possible. I’m trying SO hard to maintain a healthy lifestyle but I get SO consumed in this “thinspo thing” that sometimes I need to take a break from it before I self-destruct. 

Day 18 - What food is your weakness?
Anything/everything. My emotions fuel my bingeing, not certain foods. 

Day 19  - When is the last time you ate fast food?
A week ago I got a Shamrock Shake from McDonald’s and pizza from Pizza Hut. I was so guilty after.

Day 20 - Favorite Diet
Vegetarian/Vegan - I feel SO healthy when I don’t eat meat. I used to be Vegan but got very ill and my hair began falling out in clumps, so I began to include dairy products and eggs for the protein. 

Day 21 - What are your clothing sizes?
2x - 3x :( 

Day 22 - What was your lowest weight? How and why did you gain?
Frankly, I don’t remember. And I have issues, that’s all I can say. I don’t know why I do the things I do half of the time and it worries me.  

Day 23 - Did the media play a role in your wanting to lose weight?
Eh, I suppose the media always plays some sort of role, but no, it’s not like I woke up one day and said, “OH MY GOD I WANT TO LOOK LIKE KEIRA KNIGHTLYYYYYY.” It was more like, “Jason and Amanda and Brandon and Cris and James and Mike and Sonny all called me fat. I must be fat, I’m going to stop eating.” And then recently it was my mother’s stupid fucking idea to do weigh-ins in front of each other and her friend so that we could all “keep track of our weights.” 

Day 24 - How do you feel about the terms pro-ana/pro-mia?
Ah, this debate. Personally, I don’t have a problem with it. If you feel like you are Ana or Mia and you are all for helping others to have a relationship with them as well, then that’s your business. Now, I’m not saying I support it, I certainly don’t. But I get why people are pro-Ana/Mia.  

Day 25 - Have you ever purged? If you have, describe your first experience.
Thanksgiving, 2008-ish? I was SO sick after dinner, I was brushing my teeth and it just kind of…happened. It’s not like I tried to do it, but I felt better. I’d done it a few more times, sometimes before dates when I was super nervous or something and then all of a sudden, for some reason my gag reflex stopped working. It was a blessing in disguise, I suppose. I shouldn’t have done it but I do sometimes think about it. But I am definitely trying to be healthy. I NEED to be healthy and lose this weight. There is no excuse anymore.

Day 26 - What excites you most about reaching your UGW?
Totally pathetic, but I’m definitely looking forward to three things. 
1. Wearing a bikini for the first time in my entire teenage/adult life.
2. Going into the military.
3. Going to my high school reunion and being a totalllll dickhead to all of the people that made fun of me. 

Day 27 - How do you deal with being around food?
I eat it. Then I regret it.  

Day 28 - Do you want that “gap” between your legs? Why?
I’m not sure. I suppose if it happens, it happens. But I don’t exactly NEED a thigh gap to be happy about it.  

Day 29 - Your Definition of Beauty
The complete opposite of who I am. 

Day 30 - 10 facts about you! And now, what are your stats?
1. I am turning twenty in May, 2012.
2. I believe in 12/21/12 and every once in a while I think about who I’d like to spend the last day of my life with.
3. I’m supposed to start school in the fall and I have no clue what I want to go for and kind of hope that my FAFSA falls through again.
4. I don’t have my license and it sucks.
5. I am a hypochondriac.
6. I have a cat named after Ozzy Osbourne. My dad named him.
7. I’ve always wanted to join the Navy so that my dad would be proud of me. - He was an Aviation Machinist in the Navy during the Cold War. (Now I’m considering joining the Air Force but I need to lose half of my body-weight.)
8. I’m afraid of heights, the dark, being left alone, spiders, sharks and the thoughts in my head.
9. I question my sexuality but there’s only one girl I could see myself dating and she lives fairly far away. 
10. I’m searching for a therapist so I can learn to smile again….and I’m kind of alright with it now.

*My stats are the same as when I started. :/ I’m starting over again.