Hi guys. Sorry it’s been so long. Here’s what’s been going on lately.
I was on my period for two weeks, because I had gone so long without it, and I ended up breaking my diet. After a month of eating junk and messed up portions, I ended up gaining about five pounds back. The last time I weighed myself, it was about two weeks ago and I was like, 263lbs. In the meantime, I’ve dealt with my most recent ex threatening to kill himself, then deleting his Facebook because apparently I am fake and make his life miserable. He made me feel horrible about myself and ultimately I had taken a turn for the worst, as far as my depression is concerned.
One day I was feeling particularly lonely and decided it was time to move on from being treated like crap and created a profile on this ridiculous dating site, just expecting people to message me for sex or something (that I DON’T want…) and then I would get so frustrated by it that I’d delete my profile…. Just something to pass the time, I suppose. Anyway, I’ve gotten quite a few messages from people asking me out, but I kept turning them down. One day, I got a message from someone - telling me how beautiful I was and we began talking. He told me that I was incredibly intelligent and that he wanted to take me out. For some reason, I said yes. He’s taken me to dinner and the beach at night, and showed me where he works and even brought me home. My parents love him and he’s the sweetest man I’ve ever had the pleasure of encountering in my life - other than my father. He deals with my insecurities and tells me how beautiful I am. I’m beginning to let my guard down with him and let him into my heart and, while part of me is terrified and still hides things from him, the other part of me is eager to let him in. He understands my weight issues, because he used to be chubby as a child. He likes for me to sit on his lap and I don’t like to because I know how heavy I am…. He’s a black belt in Tae Kwon Do and says he can handle me, but I still don’t like it. :/ He says he loves my body but I don’t see how. He’s promised to burn the Insanity DVDs for me to do. I told him I thought I might die from them and he told me to do half of each workout and in twice the time, I’ll have the same results. He’s quite smart. He eats healthily and makes sure I know that he will love whatever size I am. — The only thing that worries me is, I don’t like eating in front of people and he has noticed my strange eating habits. - A few bites of cucumber here, a half of a cup of soup there… I can’t help it. So far I’m playing it off as me being sick, which I am (I got him sick too, so he can’t question it - I feel SUPER bad about it too! I spent all day Sunday taking care of him), but I’m concerned that he’s going to begin to think I have an ED…he’s already asked what my diet regiment is. Am just I over-thinking this? I’m not sure.
My birthday is coming up soon. Mom’s friend will be in town and I’m thinking of getting a new tattoo for my birthday. We’re going to Beavertail, which is a park with rocks that go into the water, it’s lovely. I was going to go to Salem, MA but I decided against it - too much money. I haven’t eaten yet today, so I’m going to go find something healthy and get back on track. I can do this. Come on Skinny Love.
Go here. : )